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edie_sedgwick99
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read my profile
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Name: Vivienne
Gender: Female
Interests:
art, the sixties, the Beats, doing hair and makeup,
&
Music
Expertise: Becoming someone else
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/20/2007
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|  You know what’s overrated? Sleeping. Sleeping and eating. I try and I try to go to sleep without aid of pills or meditation or anything else I've ever been recommended. I try just to lay down and fall asleep. But it never works. It only works if I’m drop dead tired or sick or something. And then I sleep during the day. So let me starttt over. It’s impossible to sleep AT NIGHT. During the day its- hey, I just got out of the shower, seems like the perfect time for a five hour nap! And I pass out in my towel, then get yelled at later for sleeping too much. Staying up too late. No way to win here. So I got prescribed trazodone, per my mothers insistent request that I NEED to get something so I'm not awake at night doing 'god knows what.' It just knocks you flat though, and it kills my mania, which I thrive on. It's just like taking my bi-polar meds, and it keeps me from getting anything done. Not like I'm very motivated to do anything anyway. But I leave for college on the complete other side of the country in about a month and I've done nothing to get shit ready for it. Or my license. Oh well, we'll see what life looks like when I wake up. PEE ESS: 
If you haven't already, I suggest going to see 500 days of summer. The movie isnt that spectacular, but Zooey Deschanel's style is so cute, I love her.( and the soundtrack is pretty amazing.)  
So anyway goodnight(morning) anyone who still has faith in my much neglected little xanga ed blog. NIGHT. | | |
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Self-expression is an incredible form of art. Something I have come to realize about myself is that I am all ideas, no action. Except when it comes to my appearance, how I present myself to the world. I change my hair style, my clothes, create something new with myself. But when it comes to creating something tangible, something "real" , I am at a complete loss. I used to paint and write poetry and stories, alter clothes to make them my own. But for a long time now, I can't bring myself to create anything except varying versions of myself. And I know that my eating disorder has everything to do with that. Binging and purging robs me of the drive I once had, that urge to make something out of nothing, to express myself. It's draining and a dreadful waste of my time and focus. I wish I could just move away from all of it and see what I am truly capable of. My mind is full of those endless maybes and what if's. Because when I actually take the time to think about it, I am curious to find out who I really am underneath the shelter of my ed. It gives you something to hide behind while it worms its way into your whole life and identitiy. 
But without it, who am I? | | |
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Eat.Sleep.Repeat.
No way to live. I hate getting into that place where you forget why it is you don't eat. It just becomes part of who you are. You stop and think, why do I do this, what would happen if I changed this and just ate this one bowl of cereal?Just ate this one sandwich, these fries? And before you know it, it's too much food. So you have to get rid of it, and life sucks again because you've switched over into bulimia-land.
What an evil place.
I miss this terribly, I'll update more later, reply to comments again. Because in the real world I have nothing to hold on to. The people surrounding me are getting sick of my bullshit, my lies. They've all become accustomed to me as the girl who doesn't eat, the pill-popper with shaky hands asking for one of your cigarettes. I'm trying to fool the new people in my life, the new boy I'm too afraid to open up to.
Anyways, yes I will write much more later and see what all of you lovelies have been up to and how you're doing.
Much love to anyone and everyone.
xoxo
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Life, has been hell. I need to be back here on xanga, need to fully immerse myself like I used to. My computers been broken, and this laptop is pure shit, but still theres no excuse. Without it, I have been awful.
A few months ago, I started what I will call sleep eating ,but I'm not even completely asleep when I do it. It started out as just binging when I had the munchies, then falling asleep before I had a chance to purge. Now its getting up multiple times in the night, semi-conscious, then eating everything and anything I can without having a thought in my head. I wake up in the morning and vaguely recall what I did eat, then try to purge but not much comes up besides stomach acid. It's gotten so bad, I'm considering just taking something to sleep every night, but then I'm afraid that I'll still do it, but not even remember it.
I've been doing really well in the daytime, usually managing to fast, but at night I eat more than a normal person would all day. Has anyone else ever had this problem?
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So my computers been fucked for a while. I still can't do much on it, but the internets working, thank god, as well as itunes.
But anyways. I went to a new psychiatrist, the first one I've been to in 2 years. I usually get released from psychiatrists' care or physically kicked out of the building, but I can never remember just why or how that happens. It has something to do with the fact that I lie to doctors, and tell the one person doling out the pills that I am completely fine, yet I need perscriptions for xanax and adderall.
I didn't lie to this new one, but I didn't tell him about my ed, either. That would be stupid, seeing as I'm fat right now. No need to raise concern over fatty. But from what I did tell him plus my own self-diagnosis, he decided that I am in fact bi-polar. Which I already knew, but now have to be medicated for. And the meds only suppress your manic side, which is what I like about myself, its part of my personality . Its the depressive side that's the problem.
The pills make me really tired, so my schedule on most school days is getting there by 3rd period (hopefully), skipping my mandatory tutoring and makeup work during lunch to smoke, then sometimes leaving at lunch after deciding that me and my friends are too baked to make it back to school. When that's all over, I go home, pop a few xanax, a few diet pills and my trusty diurex, then smoke some more and fall asleep. I'll wake up around 10 or sometimes earlier if someone calls up with a better plan. It's a pretty isolated schedule, and I only really hang out with people when I feel like I can't stand to be alone.
I long for the weekends, when everything seems to magically get better, and I don't feel as numb. I also long for the feeling of fasting, I'm tired of this mindless eating. It's been much too long. | | |
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